Thursday, January 21, 2010

Why I am this way

I ask myself, how did I get like this? How in the world did I balloon up to 260 lbs?! I started watching the “Biggest Loser” during season 8. Now that a new season has begun, I’ve been religiously watching the shows. It is interesting to me how the trainers will always work on digging out deep hidden problems in the contestants that is most likely a big reason why they are overweight. This always makes me wonder what the trainers would dig out of me to find the cause of my weight.

So far, I have yet to come up with an answer. Like everyone, I have dark clouds from my childhood. Even then, nothing really stands out…so far.

A believe a big part of my problem is that I am SUCH a picky eater. Unfortunately what I pick to eat is usually junk food. I don’t like many vegetables. I do like some fruits, but tend to pass them up for another more fattening sweet. I gravitate towards fried foods and baked goods. I LOVE starchy foods. I’ve eaten plates of fries before as a meal! What is wrong with me?!

It seems like I really enjoy indulging myself through food. I don’t remember being denied food more than usual. I didn’t have a traumatizing event with food.

I can also be lazy. I don’t immediately enjoy exercising and tend to avoid it. There have been times that I’ve found joy in it, but it takes a struggling effort to get to that point. Then, sadly, it seems hard to keep that feeling going and I tend to quit.

So how do I change? I am scared to think that I will have to make a true life change to finally get rid of this weight and I don’t know if I’m ready for that. While I am very unhappy with my body, I enjoy eating and not exercising (well, to an extent). I know I will feel better in every sense if I lose this weight – but it is so hard to get to that point.

My goal for this blog is to open all my secrets up, dig out my weaknesses and vulnerabilities so I can deal with them at last. Truly deal with them. I’m sure this will be uncomfortable and possibly painful, but I’m running out of time.


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